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Friday the 13th: Jason Joins Corporate America

If you haven’t looked at your calendar, today is Friday the 13th. In honor of the classic slasher flick, we wondered what would happen if Jason Voorhees decided to put down the machete and get a 9-5 job. What if he responded to a job listing for a “Corporate Headhunter” and just didn’t realize that was slang for recruiter?

Odds are that he’d last for a few days, perhaps even an entire week, before the office politics drove him to put the hockey mask back on and go to town on everyone.

The Thinning of the Herd

After all of the lights suddenly go out in the building and nobody can seem to get them back up and running again, a strange sound can be heard coming from the supply room. Who do you think is going to be sent in to investigate? The intern of course. I mean, who else would you send in?

It doesn’t take long before people start to realize that the new kid hasn’t come back yet and people are starting to get scared. Your manager, Brett, immediately tries to take change and boss everyone around. But this isn’t a matter of landing the Anderson account or not. This is a matter of life and death. And naturally, everything that Brett is suggesting is guaranteed to get everyone killed.

It doesn’t take long before a small group of people from IT, marketing and HR go their own way and invite anyone to join them. Pretty much everyone decides to join the splinter group, leaving Brett and one loyal employee to fend for themselves. Needless to say, they are the next to go when Brett decides the best course of action is the hide under the table in the kitchen area and “ride things out”.

Sarah from accounting is the next to go. Despite being repeatedly told to take off her heels so she can keep up, Sarah is wearing Christian Louboutins, and there’s no way she’s leaving those behind. Naturally, as the group is running away, Sarah breaks a heel, trips and falls. She stays on the ground screaming in terror, instead of getting up and running, allowing Jason to catch up to her, even though Jason is just casually walking towards her. One swing of the machete, and the soles of Sarah’s shoes aren’t the only thing that’s red anymore.

Realizing that their situation might be hopeless, the remaining survivors attempt to develop a plan to kill Jason. It turns out that Hector, the IT manager, was an Eagle Scout in high school, and manages to create an elaborate system of tripwires and punji sticks using everyone’s neckties and office scissors. He offers himself up as bait, luring Jason into the trap. The trap works, leaving Jason with 20 stab wounds. As the masked villain lies motionless on the floor, Hector goes in for a closer look. Predictably, Jason was playing possum, and dispatches of Hector.

With only a few people remaining, the group pretty much has resigned themselves to their fate. Huddled in the corner, Jason slowly closes the distance. Just as Jason raises his arms for the final killing blow, the intern springs from his hiding place in the supply room with the torn off handle of the paper cutter. He had been wounded and left for dead by Jason, only regaining consciousness in the nick of time. After an epic fight, he kills Jason and saves the day. And you vow to learn his name tomorrow when you have him go to Starbucks to get your daily coffee order.